Total Crash Or, the Great Collision
by Doctor-Fluffywolf
Summary: December 10, 2008. What was once a game to me back home has become terrifyingly real. I must record this, so that someone-anyone-can read this, and as to keep my sanity. If I have one question to ask God, it is this: "How and why did this happen?"
1. Chapter 1

Studies in N00bology

1

A good 50% of the Runescaping community, people like you, would agree the Runescape/Gielinorian event known as "Total Crash" started at 8:00 Eastern Time October 31st, 2012. That was, after all, the day the Penhumans (see appendix) known as "Haru Arravsent" or "Haru Axeman Daniels Samazanba", brother to Kyushi, Taikishiro, and sister Tairin discovered a true, actual Zamorakian in their neighborhood luring in kids who could play Runescape-the same way an angler lures in fish with an enormous light on its head.

If you are part of that group, let me tell the truth as it happened. First, before I ruin the plot, it started December 10, 2007, when Jagex's most monumental update ripped open the fabric of Runescape as we know it.

You absolute newbs out there-that huge, blackened wasteland north of Varrock? It used to be an enormous, really, freaking BIG battle arena, which was also an enormous money pit. Because quite literally, every single piece of GP in Runescape had passed through that wasteland at one point. It was an enormous part of the economy. You sold and made swords for money? Most probably went to Player Killers. You made runes and sold them? Bought by PKers. You sold food, particularly lots of meats? More PKers bought it. You made money off of taking items from the ground? You went in that wasteland, packing teleports. And all the scammers? Mostly related to selling some PK-related items. There were a lot of scammers back then-there was no 3k trade limit back then, so you could steal as much money as you wanted. Bots were there too-avatars with little more purpose than to cut down trees, make money, and sell it to "Da Boss.". "Da Boss" usually kept it to himself or sold it online for real world money. Heads up-this is illegal in some countries. Were you in "Noob Dormancy" before that date? Do you remember seeing lots of bald, bearded guys wearing green? They were bots-who, I might add, nearly destroyed the economy-and sent lots of fishmongers out of a job. This caused the "Fishing Crash".

Then, on December 10, 2007, it all changed. Everything familiar-everything!-was ripped away. Many famous glitches and bugs-all little misfiring nerves in runescape were fixed. And that huge battle arena I told you about? It was gone. And replaced with incredibly overpowered ghosts known as Revenants. I really freaking hate those.

Falador-a city made of bleached pale-white stone, home to major displays of chaos-was the first to show their discontent in what was arguably the biggest riot in the history of Runescape.

This riot was big. It was mind-bogglingly big. People spammed, and covered up almost every inch of the screen. The forums were loaded with complaints and rants. Rare items-sold by quitters, usually high-levels who thrived on Pking-were common at the Party Room, allowing people to get items such as Dragon Chainbodies and abyssal whips in the blink of an eye. I don't do it justice-to see what it was really like, and get an impression of the awe-inspiring _size,_ visit youtube or google "end of runescape".

People sort of died down, for a while, with many people trying to start up riots, again and again...

But something was amiss. The aforementioned high-levels and merchants were quitting, and some moved to other worlds accessible through this world. Those few were safe. Those who brooded too long, and spent lots of time on their gaming consoles, wishing that Jagex hadn't destroyed runescape (in their view) began to disappear without a trace. Everything was left in their rooms, even their prized possessions. Like stuffed dogs. Most people didn't pay attention to this. Players would claim to the people investigating the disappearances "He was a Pker on runescape, before PK was removed. And all the PKers are disappearing!"

This would usually get laughed off by adults (except those who worked for jagex) and a little more than half of the Runescape community.

But, on October 31st, 2012, the "Pker black hole" gained some credibility from the aforementioned penhumans, respected members of the runescape community.


	2. Chapter 2

**There was actually some stuff that came before this, having very little to do with Runescape and not being quick enough to get to the point. Publishing it would be going out a bit too far on a limb, and I'm afraid of what any reviewers might say... so I skipped ahead.**

Clippings

Tehn00bblog Runescape blog.

Jonathan Dane from Oatley, Kansas, 15 years old, recently disappeared 2 days ago, leaving behind a hand when his parents were out. "He started behaving strangely a couple months ago," his mother said. "He spent little or no time on computers since December 10, 2007, because, as he had said Runescape was ruined. There was nothing to do."

His friends describe him as loving Runescape before that day "He and about 18 of his friends were all big, high-leveled guys, who were on the computer half the day-they were the kings of Pking."

Good riddance, some people say, as possessing such a powerful account gave him an abrasive, arrogant personality. In other words, a generic Pking asshole.

Strangely, his account, 23423289, has been seen roaming Runescape, killing monsters and scamming n00bs-in some cases, killing them if they don't like the deal, even if they're not on a PK server. IF YOU SEE AN AVATAR WITH THIS NUMBER, TELEPORT IMMEDIATELY, REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCES. YOUR AVATAR IS IN TERRIFYING DANGER IF YOU SEE HIM!

…

Another good account of what had happened comes from a drunken noob who'd had too much goblin grog.

"I wash fightin' a goblinsh," he slurred, "And thish wash shomtin' I never do, sheeing ash I'm afraid of them, sho I'll shtay level 3 forever"

What a n00b.

"And I suddenly knew I wash in danger, and I ran away. De goblinsh ran after me! So I had to throw my great and omnipotent training shword away, and it de goblinch in half!"

This was very rarely a good thing. Cutting things in half and having both fly away is a physical impossibility in Runescape. When you kill something, they go down on their knees and turn into either bones or ash with some other item. But this looked like it was the exception. There's an exception for everything, but could this be too much?

**1:**

It was a nice December day in Trailhead, which lay in an unspecified location of New Hampshire, the birds were singing, the houses were putting up their Halloween displays, and the kids were trying to find a good costume to wear.

Taiki Samazanba stood at his enormous console, Master Control. He's physically 14 years old, blood type AB, 6 foot 7, tan skin, white hair with black tips, level 72 Runescape Account that's practically his twin, named Haru Axeman, level 69 strength highest skill.

Don't ask why, but Haru and Taiki each had a white fox costume they'd wear at Halloween.

**So, **he messaged his friend Sakura. **Read the news?**

** Ya, **she typed back.

**Weird, huh? Runescape's creators going on a short computer-free trip to Russia. Wonder ****if they'll meet Al and Allie. And another thing-what is the "Big Update" that they're talking about? Games been kinda glitchy lately, huh?**

** Tell me about it. I read .hack!**

** So do I. And this game is starting to remind me of it. In that case, when do the comas come?**

** Roflmao, as you Americans say. Hear that weird story?**

** Ya. That drunken noob. So nooby he thinks that virtual beer gets you drunk, and it works due to the power of suggestion!**

** Roflmao indeed. I can lend some validity to that story! Just ask Haru, my avatar!**

** Ah, your "Guardian Asshole?"**

** That do be the one.**

** Say, I heard on Twitter that the update comes next week! The article says it "encompasses all".**

** Well, what the hell does that mean?**

** I can think of many things. It could mean every skill or some radical new update of the land. It could also mean some new kind of interface. Probably all the above.**

** I reckon you're right. Eh well, gotta go-Yu'biusk is calling! Or should I go up to Meiyerditch?**

Taiki's avatar, listed as "Haru Axeman", walked through Varrock, singing under his breath _"Commala commala-come..."_

Somewhere along the way, he spied on a penguin, but then 3 of the most dreaded words to a Runescaper pierced his ears: "Time For Bed!"

"I can't wait till it comes out," he said to himself, as he pulled up the covers and hugged his stuffed dog. "what could it be?"

He didn't know what it would be. He didn't know _why _it would be. He knew when it would be, but he didn't know the most important thing:

It was not of this earth.


	3. Chapter 3

VaAnNIle MiNsTrEl

(Yanille Minstrel, written in old scapescript)

Some of our readers may be wondering about the enormous activity of Yanille, the Outpost Towne. All around you, as you walk through town, your senses are bombarded with hints of building. The smell of sawdust and iron, the clanging of hammers, the warbling of saws, and even magickal static are all around. One can see adventurers carrying enormous blocks of stone to build up on our walls. Indeed, even the legendary strength of Haru the Wolf is helping us, for he loves this town. And our Fire Brandy.

This is due to an enormous increase in citizens-soon to make us a bit more than a small town. Why are these citizens fleeing south to our town?

Before I tell you the answer, I must say this: This paper is not fabricated for purely positive events, it tells the truth.

And the truth is that Khazard's feared vassal, Lord Dane has returned.

For those unaware of the history, Dane was a man of tremendous strength, a scourge of the lawless lands in the North.

For some reason he was passing through an area near Catherby, and stumbled upon Khazard's shade. Somehow-through mortal magicks-he brought the shade back to corporeal form. Khazard-indebted to this-appointed Dane his most trusted advisor, and gave him a contingent of undead to serve him in the Wild.

However-once the Wilderness became... civilized... he disappeared, yet rumors of his reappearance persist.

Many do not take this with a grain of salt, yet the immigrants to our small town certainly do.

...

Haru set down the huge stone block on Yanille's wall. "Oy, still more to go!" he grunted, placing it on the new 'Second Wall.' "Colonel Radick? Have those multicannons you ordered come yet?" he asked.

"Not yet!" the village's guard captain yelled back. "The dwarves said they'd have 'em ready soon, and they're being delivered via Super Glider!"

"Damn, those things are well-built," Haru commented, heading to pick up another block. Then-

"HE'S HERE!" a lookout suddenly shrieked. "Dane is here! All civilians to safe areas!"

The general populace of Yanille-now noticeably bigger-opened some of the checkered squares on the banks floor, and hurled themselves down.

Haru jumped, white hair flying, over the wall and landed just outside Yanille, right in front of Dane.

"Why are you here, little wolf?" Dane asked. "come for a good tombstone?"

"Actually, I wanted some Fire Brandy. They have good stuff at the Dragon Inn," Haru grinned.

"Don't you dare mock me!" Dane yelled back.

"Mock you? The fight hasn't even-"

A dragon bolt flew past Haru's ear. He shrugged, and jumped off the wall, straight at Dane, battleaxe drawn. Dane raised a dragon longsword, and blocked Haru as he swung his massive ax toward Dane's chest.

"Dragon Longsword, eh?" Haru asked. "You're lucky you didn't get hurt."

"Do you ever shut up?!" Dane screamed back.

"Neh. Y'see, I once tried being the strong, silent type for a day. It never paid off. People love me more if I-"

"SHUT UP!" Dane swung his sword at Haru's neck. He ducked, the sword passing harmlessly over his head.

"Isn't that contradictory to what you just said?" Haru asked, dodging more blows and spouting out more witty banter. "Is this all you can do? At this rate, I can just dance till you tire out!"

"I SAID, SHUT UP! NOBODY LIKES YOU, OR YOUR STUPID HAIR!" Dane yelled, stabbing at Haru with his sword.

"What. Did. You. Say?" Haru asked menacingly. His friendly, orange eyes were now a hard red.

The sword hit Haru's palm, and wouldn't go any farther. _My sword... why can't it stab through his hand? _Dane thought. "I said, your hair looks stupid."

"Well then..." Haru grinned.

Then Dane felt like an anvil had smashed into his head.

"SUPER KICK OF IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A COSPLAY SHOE!" Haru yelled. You see, in place of bare feet, Haru had large black wolfish paws-and they had been used in a spectacular roundhouse kick to Dane's head. "And..."

Haru slashed his battleaxe diagonally through Dane's chest, used the momentum to get behind him, cut open his back, and finished with a heavy punch!

"MUDAGE SHORIKEN!" Haru yelled.

Villagers peered over the wall. "Haru defeated Lord Dane!"

It was then decided that they should all party.

"You were great, you know," said Haru's girlfriend, Ritsuko. "Wish I coulda seen you."

"If you were there instead of me, it wouldn't have even lasted a second!" Haru laughed. "Now, I think I can teleport over to Varrock, and-"

He pulled out three air runes, a fire rune, and a law rune. Nothing happened.

"Why are you waiting to teleport?" Ritsuko asked.

"I'm not! It won't work!" Haru yelled frantically. "No, the Ectophial's not working, neither is my Lumbridge Achievement Diary ring, none of my other teleports-"

Someone screamed from the Mage Guild's window. "The teleport network is down!"

"Isn't that kind of impossible?" an adventurer asked, then fell to the ground, screaming, as blood poured from his ears. He appeared to be flickering, somehow. All over Yanille, and perhaps the world, adventurers were screaming, as the same thing was happening to them.

Then a man-at least two inches shorter than Haru, almost his twin-appeared, startled. "Haru? Ritsuko?" he asked, bewildered.

"Taiki?" Haru asked.

"Oh, sh**," they said at the same time.

All over Yanille, adventures were talking to themselves and responding, asking where the hell they were, and touching hands with duplicates of themselves. Some-very few-lay dead on the ground, with little of their brains remaining.

"Great," one adventurer said. "Dante. I just had to be sucked into Runescape, standing in front of a guy that looks like a character from Devil May Cry, but with longer hair. Booze and video games don't mix."

"Hey, it's not my fault I look like a video game character!" Haru replied. "Wait, technically I am because I visit Gielinor, but... What in God's name happened here?!"

Taiki, Ritsuko, and the as-of-yet unnamed adventurer could do little but wonder.

**Okay, so I finally got to the point. On that note, thank you, Calime07!**

**Also, this was released on the day I finally defeated the level 170 barrel robot without prayer, completing the Great Brain Robbery! Yatta!  
**


End file.
